Foolproof: More is Mini

By Shawn White / Sunday, 27 May 2007

Author's Note: the following piece is not suitable for those with weak constitutions or the inability to detect sarcasm. The Wiire assumes no liability for any injuries you incur while reading, or if you miss the point.

I have come upon the revelation of revelations. It's big, like better than The BIGS big, so big that I bet it's even included in The BIGS...which really doesn't look that big.

My grand revelation - here it comes, prepare yourself - is that the world needs more mini-games.

Take note: I didn't say Wii needs more mini-games, mostly because I don't need to state what so many bandwagon-hoppers are already figuring out. Any person who can read a sales chart knows that Nintendo's underpowered underdog is no longer the underdog in this generational slug fest (but it's still underpowered and George said that won't change). Wii's blitzkrieg on the ~~wallets~~ hearts of men, women, boys, girls and grandparents across the globe continues with rapid pace. None can keep the momentum, none except the mini-game.

You are what you play, and these Wii owners, you know what they're playing? Mini-games. Obviously the people crave them, why else would publishers assume that mini-games are the main key to unlocking the El Dorado of market demographics, the casual gamer? Thank goodness for these companies and their entirely correct assumptions. They know that gamers don't want whole, complete games. Gamers are all about quantity. That's why some very smart person decided to make replay value directly proportional to the amount of unlockables. Mini-games provide this quantity; they satisfy our totally healthy need for instant gratification. Sure, sometimes mini-games are underdeveloped ideas bundled together in a horde of rushed efforts, but that's okay because you still get more.

See, Wii isn't just taking over the world, it's also setting an example. It's showing us what works. Clearly mini-games work. Just ask Rayman, who gave up a solid (although not always appreciated) career in platforming to take up a six-figure job at WarioWare, Inc. But it's not enough! WarioWare, Raving Rabbids, My Word Coach, Big Brain Academy, Wii Sports, Wii Play, Carnival Games, Chicken Shoot, Cosmic Family, Super Monkey Ball, EA Playground, Mario Party 8, the dozen DDI titles and all those crazy Japanese games that will never have the opportunity to taint our weaker Western minds - these are not enough.

Before mini-games: limbless hero. After mini-games: dancing king with swanky clothes. See also: American Dream.

So let's not stop at mini-games. Let's take the philosophy one, nay, three steps further! In a perfect world as defined by Wii, everything would be like a mini-game. For instance, people would read mini-books, in which no cohesive plot exists; rather, each chapter would contain a series of sentences, some more entertaining than others, with instructions listed beforehand on how to read them. The instructions won't always be helpful, so readers will need to twist the book around a few times until they figure out what the sentence is supposed to say. If you become confused, don't fret - you only need to last long enough to turn the page. Oh, but wait, you're not supposed to read more than one chapter at a time in a mini-book! Fortunately, the authors would include a bookmark for every sixteen seconds of reading.
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How about mini-films? Movie theaters will love what they could do for popcorn sales. Rather than trudge through a depressingly long two-hour movie (because who can bear that? Casual movie-goers clearly don't have the attention span for it), people will watch their favorite actors in five minute-long clips that may or may not be entertaining. Of course, the actors' unique talents won't be in any way essential to the experience so long as the on-screen instructions (laugh, cry, throw popcorn, etc.) aren't written in some unreadable text.

Just think of the potential blockbusters: Spider-Man 4, in which Peter Parker has to swing through ten perilously placed floating rings in order to once again save Mary Jane from falling off a very high structure. Meet the Grandparents, in which an older Greg Focker has to complete a whopping seven mini-missions (with plenty of intermission time in between) ranging from "Keep the Snake in its Cage" to "Dinner Conversation Meltdown!" - all in an effort to keep his adolescent kids in grandpa Jack's "Circle of Trust."

Or how about Harry Potter and The Master of Mini, which would consist of a series of mini-moments like Ron overcoming his romantic deficiencies to eventually ask Hermione out on a date, which would lead to another sort of mini-game called "Small Talk." Chances are Ron will fail like the other introverts before him, which is why games are better than movies - they have a reset button.

Speaking of romantically handicapped men, let's make the mating process easier for their lonely souls. Instead of dealing with the mess of long-term committment (because people barely have the time or energy for a 30+ hour game, much less one meant to last your whole life), mini-relationships would allow people to instead complete sporadic and occasionally successful activities together. What, we already have that and it's called "dating"? Darn it all, I never get the memos!

Back to the realm of entertainment, why not mesh movies and games together even more and have Uwe Boll - with his sterling track record - make what would undoubtedly become a box-office classic: My Word Coach: The Man with the Golden Grammar. The lovely female support is already available, so just replace the pompous professor fellow with Sean Connery spouting off edutainment words like Floccinaucinihilipilification and Titanic's money-making records will sink faster than the ship itself.

Replacement for The Godfather as the best movie ever?
I think so.

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Music also benefits from the power of mini, as any iPod fan will tell you in an overly exuberant tone of voice. How to make it better, though? Holy Steve Jobs, I've got it! We need a MIN-iTunes service in which listeners can download mini-versions of songs (code-named "previews"). There will be no actual full songs to download, as allowing people convenient access to such material would only encourage piracy; not to mention full songs really cut into the profit margins of record studios. We can't have that. This way, listeners will save much more hard drive space and can fit far more "previews" onto their MP3 players. Plus you will no longer have to loathe the ten seconds of a song that randomly plays in your head like a broken record grinding away at your sanity, because all your favorite "previews" will only be nine seconds long!

Admist all this mini-change, let's not forget about the mini-games we can never truly have enough of. The efforts of Wii publishers have been noble so far, but not all yet realize the full potential. Bust-A-Move Bash! received an "F" and you know why? No, not because the gameplay was complete tripe, but because it didn't have enough mini-games. You know what saved Sonic and the Secret Rings from being the straw that broke the hedgehog's back? If you guessed "old-school sense of speed," you're wrong. It was all the wonderful mini-games. No one can deny this.

It's true - cute nurses care more about mini-game-deprived patients.

Which is why it's time for a brave publisher to drop a Redwood into the fire. For Wii to really roundhouse kick the sales charts, the console absolutely must obtain the - cue drum roll - Ultimate Game of Mini-Game Mini-Games (official title). No stone would be left unturned for this project to end all projects. Fortunately for the bottom line, The Ultimate Game of Mini-Game Mini-Games wouldn't even require much funding. Just take a monkey with decent typing skills, some duct tape (packaged with every Wii) and a random assemblage of code from every single mini-game ever created and presto! Wii owners will never again need to purchase another game. After tossing in some Pokemon and large-chested women for added appeal, and making sure to withhold enough content for a new version released every 89 hours, the competitor consoles will willingly bury themselves in the dirty hole of their own inadequacy.

To all the cynics, to those who cry "No More Mini-Games!", it's time to join them in that hole. Mini-games are good for this industry, for every industry. Only a lack of in-game advertisements prevents mini-games from becoming the ultimate source of goodness, but those will surely come in time. Still, the mini-game appeal is irrefutable; its value, undeniable. Look again to Rayman, who will star in a sequel with his Rabbid friends only a year after the original Rayman Raving Rabbids released. Mini-games made that possible.

Gamers should encourage developers to continue pursuing this still untapped market, rather than clamor for depth, challenge, a cohesive and meaningful story, actually good visuals, innovative uses of the Wii Remote or any combination thereof. This is a new era, a mini-era, and such elements are only an unnecessary burden.

Wii is setting the example, and granted, while some mini-games are best not applied to reality, it is time the world followed suit. After all, More is Mini.